December 6, 2018
Last night, in front of the biggest crowd Rick’s Pro Shop has ever seen, the town of Coldwater shut down on Wednesday night for the biggest stars in bowling. Cars were lined up on the 118 bypass, trying to get to the famed Pla Mor lanes arena. Luckily the cop directing traffic caught what all happened last night, here’s what he witnessed:
Brad “Elf on the Shelf” Selhorst brought in cookies for everybody. Mrs. Claus baked them for Brad while he was in the Toy shop today. Selhorst was more focused on Christmas caroling, and asking everybody he possibly could, “Hiiiiii, this is Brad the Elf, what’s your shoe size.” Selhorst needs to spend more time on the lanes, or he could be terminated.
Lee Keaser rolled up wearing his white beater, shades, and Spongebob Squarepants leggings. Keaser had his Sunday best on. DJ Terence the people up North like to call him, was spinning the shit out of it. Many analysts on the League Bowling News Network compare Keaser to the Legend Rick Hartings. They sort of have the same release, and they have that killer instinct. Lee Keaser had himself a day at the dish.
Jason Lefeld filled in for the injured Rick Hartings. Lefeld performed in a big way, we were unable to cover what Jason all did, as the people rose to their feet to watch Jason throw each shot. We tried to catch up with Jason after the match, Jason told us to, “Get the hell away from me.”
Garrett Stout was in the arena last night. Garrett was doing his shimmey before every ball, catching all the honeys attention. Stout faced some serious problems outside the lanes this week, we caught up with Stout to ask him about these occurrences. Stout began, “So I headed to church last Saturday, not thinking anything of it. When I walked through the doors these old ladies kept shaking their fist at me. I sat in my pew and all these families steered there kids away from me, I had like 4 pews to myself. I mean I know I didn’t bowl that great, but I didnt know some of these people were so wrapped up in my game, I sincerely apologize to all those people I affected. I let you down, but I will be better.” Stout finished with a 621.
The fans stormed out of the arena, tearing down everything in there path. 5 of our security guards were taken to the hospital, a few others suffered 3rd degree burns. The cars floored it to the 118 North and South Exits, the fans were furious. Rick’s Pro Shop is an absolute trainwreck right now. Dropping another 8 points last night, the Blind team has shifted in front of them, setting up a match next week for last place. Next week is the half point, will we see them move Selhorst? Will Garrett get his head unlodged out of his ass? How much worse can these clowns get?
Leaguebowling.com has officially terminated its contract with the Rick’s Pro Shop organization. They have seized operations at this time.
Tune in next week as our legendary league season continues!