January 4, 2019
Last night, in front of a SOLD OUT Rick’s Pro Shop arena, our superstars took the lanes, hoping to get things back on track. Luckily, leaguebowling.com‘s secretary of state was out to cover all of last night’s league action, here’s what he had to say:
There have been people camped outside Pla Mor lanes since Monday night, anticipating the return of the mighty Rick Hartings. Fans of all ages gathered, awaiting the arrival of the greatest league bowler in the history of the game.
In came struttin’ in Brad “Stinky Feet” Selhorst. Now that Christmas was over Brad was flying mighty high. Sippin on dat purple drank, and throwing the candy back. Khaki pants, backwards hat, and gold chains. This Selhorst guy was a cool cat. Elf on the Shelf proceeded to knock the piss out of the pins, firing a 695!! We caught up with Brad after the match, Brad began, “Yeah man, I cleared out my closet earlier today. Making room for that 710 series Rhinos shirt, I was close tonight, but I’ll get one. I’m ready to go home and whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies.”
Lee Keaser drove up in his big wheel, giving all the young fans a ride before the match. DJ Keaz was still recovering from his New Years eve hangover, wearing his Size 23 clown shoes, and his ball of choice was Linus Hartings 1986 300 ball. Let’s just make one thing clear, Linus used all the magic. Lee didnt have his best stuff tonight, or his own stuff. Keaser, as described by a fan in the stands, was a “Absolute ****** trainwreck from the get go. Garbage.”
Garrett “The G Dawg” Stout, climbed out of the rafters, making a grand entrance. Garrett Stout was pretty much a shitshow last night, the guy looked like a hot pile of shit pretty much all night. Stout then had about 10 grand in side bets the 3rd game, and he hustled all of the chums, firing a 246. 635 series. We caught up with Mr. Stout, under the newly installed 118 overpass early Thursday morning, Stout began, “Yeah, I struggled pretty heftily all night, and finally broke through for a good game. I’d like to thank all of the older ladies in the lounge tonight, the sweater fits great, and I hope you enjoyed the round of coffee I got you guys.” Stout climbed into the dumpster and went to bed, look out for this guy, he’s dangerous. I don’t know if it was just me or not, but it seemed as if Garrett Stout was being nicer to everybody.. is this a trend we will get used to seeing?
All of a sudden the lights went dim, the fans rose to their feet. The man, the myth, the legend rose out of the stands. Slowly making his approach to the lanes, Rick Hartings was back. Girls were going nuts, parents were picking their kids up, pointing out what was happening before their very eyes. Grandpas and Grandmas cried tears of joy! He was back! Rick new hip and all picked up where he left off, Spinning the shit out of it, leaving all 10 pins on the deck. Hartings finished with a measly 573. The fans were not happy about it, throwing their 24 oz bud lights Rick’s direction.
We received a report from the Sheriff’s office, after Rick’s Pro Shop ran their special last night, 1,794 beers were sold. 11 1/2 DUI’s were given out. Unacceptable behavior. The Sheriff gave us a warning, and he put us on notice.
Rick held a press conference after the match, Rick thanked his fans for all that they have done for him. His wife Patty for helping him through rehab. Rick began to cry, letting his emotions get the best of him. The team won 8 points, behind Rick’s fire, is this a rebirth of the greatest league team in the nation that we have been so use to seeing? Are they truly back?
Tune in next week as this shit show of a season continues!