August 29, 2019

Rick's Pro Shop Bowling Team
Lasssssssst night, Rick’s Pro Shop took the lanes, it was Opening Night in the great city of Coldwater. Fans poured in from all over the country, the Pla Mor campgrounds jammed full of eager fans, awaiting their heroes. Luckily, leaguebowling.com sent the whole company to cover all of last night’s league action, here’s what they had to say:
 
Mrs. Claus showed up, and let me tell ya, she was not happy. Brad Selhorst tried to skip his shift at the North pole. Mrs. Claus wasn’t having any of that bullshit. All of our sources stayed away from the pair as she drug Elf on the Shelf out the door.
 
Joe Post filled in for Selhorst last evening. We caught up with Joe and this is what he said and I quote, ” Get the hell away from me. “
 
We caught up with Phil Hibner before the match. He was in his shop, putting last minute touches on the Rick’s Pro Shop Boeing 737 aircraft. Hibner rolled into the alley with buffers in both hands, a shammey as a bandanna over his head, and he was pulling a wagon with his chest passing out free soap. What a guy. As for Hibner’s performance on the lanes…. not great. Alcohol was in fact an issue. Happy 28th birthday Phil!
 
Lee Keaser immediately made his presence known at Pla-Mor lanes last evening. Keaser, with his performance last evening will now be featured on every garbage can in America, 4 counties in China, and many other vast areas of the world. Lee did not have a good night, but we spoke with him, he began, “Yeah you know, people expect me to give up but I’m not going to. Do shit you love. AND IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GIVE UP HELL NO! THIS IS MY TEAM I PUT MY HEART IN THIS SHIT, JUST FUCKING DO IT!” Lee will be back next week living that lifestyle. Only up from here!
 
Garrett Stout was huddled around his trash can under the 118 mega 8 line highway overpass when we found him. We asked him about this evening’s contest, Stout began, “Yeah this offseasons been a rough one. I took it upon myself to live my life in Franklin’s memory. So one of my favorite cat lady friends and I went on adoptafish.net and we ordered me a fish. Then there he was, Cheeto, that little guy stole my heart from his first heartbeat. Then we played catch in the yard, his first piano lesson. I’m sorry if I teer up but gosh damnit man. Then Cheeto got hurt playing soccer, and threw out his back. Do you have any gosh dang idea how much a fish’s medical bills are? Damnit. So yeah not a good summer.” Stout rolled in with raggedy clothes, and put a spark in all of our fans hearts. He was back baby. 635 for the G Dawg.
 
FloRap was in Metro Detroit last evening. Mr. Rick Hartings reportedly entered himself into a rap battle last evening after he got out of the fields. We have video footage but this is how our guy described it:
 
Rick Hartings grabbed the mic after his challenger just rapped. The P.A. announcer announced Rick as follows; “Rick Hartings, now this guys a farmer rapper, you know he be kickin’ that shit all day long.” Rick rapped:
 
I’m a white boy, But my neck is red
I put Miracle Whip, On my Wonder Bread
My face is pale, Nah, I’ve never been in jail, Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail
How many b****** have I slapped?
Zero, unh, And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero
I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm. Dr. Phil’s my uncle and I like to hang with him. I can’t dance
I wear khaki pants. My middle name’s Lance. My grandma’s from France.
So maybe I’m wack, cause my skin ain’t black, But you can’t talk smack, cause whitey just struck back!
 
The crowd went wild! Rick can do it all.
 
Rick’s Pro Shop came out and beat a struggling Hardin Creek Team. They take an early 7-1 lead in the league.
 
See ya guys in church on Sunday, tune in next week as our legendary league season continues!!