Rick’s Pro Shop’s New Star, Allegations of Criminal Action from Keaser

Last night, in front of one of the biggest crowds in bowling league history, Rick’s Pro Shop took the stage. Luckily, the president of leaguebowling.com stopped out to cover all of last nights league action, here is what he had to say:

Imagine this as your driving down 118 through Coldwater. Many believe just a small town, then Wednesday rolls around and you start seeing the arena lights, the heavy traffic, the watch parties set up outside. 40 thousand plus people in the stands every Wednesday night here in Coldwater, Ohio.

A battered and beat Rick’s Pro Shop team, took the lanes last night, without Rick Hartings yet again. Hartings had his hip replaced 3 short weeks ago, and this team has been a trainwreck. We caught up with Rick at the bar at the bowling alley. Hartings was in the middle of a bender when we sat down and talked with the legend. When asked about the state of the league team, Rick began, “We definitely aren’t as good as we were 1 year ago. That Brookhart guy, I hate to say it, but he is irreplaceable. Elf on the Shelf needs to tell Mrs. Claus to chill the **** out. G dawg, hasn’t been as great as he normally is, but he’ll come around.” Rick was asked about Lee Keaser, the new addition, Hartings immediately dropped his Cuban cigar he was puffing on, “Guys an ogre, I don’t think we’ll lose another match. I think when I get back, I mean, like I dont see us losing. The end of the year I guarantee we never lose a match.” Bold statement by Hartings, dementia is setting in.

Brad “Elf on the Shelf” Selhorst had some heartbreaking news before the match. Selhorst put his 2 week notice in at the North pole Monday evening. The Claus’s and our little Elf had a major dispute over candy canes in the workplace, great news for Rick’s Pro Shop, but bad news, as Christmas may be cancelled without the head elf. We caught up with Brad about the happenings, Brad commented, “Yeah man, my lawyer don’t want me to say to much, but I’m looking forward to being at home more. I can ride my big wheel around now, and play 2k.” Stinky Selhorst definitely needs to use his newly acquired free time, and figure out his bowling. Brad sipped on to much eggnog last night, firing a 470.

All of a sudden, the lights went dark, and the fans rose to their feet. Lee Keaser entered into the stadium. This guy had his own security detail, damn, this guy was cool. And luckily for the fans, Keaz acquired a new nickname during the match. Standing 6 foot 6, weighing in at 230 pounds. Lee “The Ogre Under the Bridge” Keaser made a statement. He threw his first shot, busting lightbulbs across the bowling alley, people were throwing beer bottles. Donald J. Trump even was tweeting during the match, “Lee is a good fit for this team. I believe he will do great things. Go Rick’s Pro Shop!” This guy brought the electricity this Rick’s Pro Shop team was missing. Then Keaser shot a 170 first game, and the fans went home. So since nobody seen the ending, Lee shot a 547.

Jason “Smoke” Lefeld, rolled into Pla Mor lanes with his shades on. All business. Smoke was asked what it was like filling in for the legend Rick Hartings, Lefeld commented, “You know, I fit into his shoes nicely. I’m 10 times better than him anyway.” Smoke acquired his nickname during his stint with the WWE. He was in one of them buy in matches with the Undertaker. He ended up getting “Smoked” getting pinned in 3 seconds, and that’s how he locked in that nickname. Lefeld struggled last night, firing a 539 series.

Garrett Stout came into the arena from the rafters. The fans roared, G dawg crowd surfed up to the approach. Stout was on his game, but just not the electrifying G dawg we are use to seeing. Stout went 29 clean last night, flagging a 3-10 split in the 10th frame. Many of you that know Garrett, he struggles with that spare. Stout reacted by throwing his chair into the crowd, flipping over the table, and Garrett rumpled a beer. When asked about his actions, Stout began, “Gosh damnit, I’ve been bowling for 20 years now roughly, you think I’d be able to pick that spare up by now. But hey, we will get back to work tomorrow, it’s a never ending tuning. We will get there.” Stout finished with a 645 series.

This is not a joke. It is unofficial but we believe Lee Keaser’s brother, Garrett Stout’s scratch league doubles partner, champion, Aaron Keaser has won this weeks contest! Lee thoroughly denied shaving points, we will have to wait until Monday to see if Keaser is suspended. Here we go again….

Turmoil began in the streets, as Rick’s Pro Shop lost yet again. Patty Hartings had to be escorted out of the arena for heckling the bowlers. “What have you done!!!” “Rick and I built up this team, and you guys are throwing it away! Gosh damnit!” She kept yelling as she was thrown out of the building. With Keaser in the cross hairs, is he enough to fix this team? Can G dawg get back to a level that only G dawg can get to? How good are Elf on the Shelfs cookies? When will Rick return?

Tune in next week as our legendary league season continues!!

  • November 1, 2018